strange.

i was talking to chrissy about sitting outside and watching the rain, or a thunderstorm. she said she would go outside and listen to opera, and drink tea. i said i would go outside with my writing journal and just write. anything, everything that came to mind. she said she wished she could write, and that she envied my "skillz". i told her that it takes practice, and that i still have quite a ways to go. then, a question came to me.

"is it even possible to really go as far as you can in the short amount of time we have in life?"

i wonder, can we? can we ever reach our full potential? how do we know if we've reached it? will we have a feeling or satisfaction in the fact that we've achieved it? or will we be left with a feeling of emptiness, now that our goal in life is complete? bask in the glory or lose meaning in life?

is it possible to ever answer these questions?

interesting.

apparently, my sister started not talking to my parents for no reason. my mom was pissed off about it and wanted me to see if i could get anything out of her. so, i wrote her a note and put it on her desk while she was in the bathroom. it was almost a half hour be fore she replied. apparently, she's upset that her friend moved away and she didn't see her before she left. i wrote my reply and now she seems fine.

it's funny that my parents came to me. i told my dad that this was just the transition period into teenager-dom and he said "i guess...but i don't remember ever getting this much attitude from you", to which i replied "well, i'm not the kind of person to give attitude. i mean, i know i do - not gonna lie - but if i do, it's provoked by something." so, even though i'm already past that age, this is their first time dealing with this fase. i find it quite strange. my sister and i are so unbelievably different.

lovely.

i forgot how satisfying it is to start plotting and planning with a new person about a new world. last night, i posted a journal entry on DeviantART about starting a collab with someone else and one of my favorite writers replied to it. it didn't take long for us to start chatting on MSN about the characters and the plotline. we now have Monty (her boy) and Brett Vogel (my boy). each are completely opposite, and i love when that happens. we both seemed to be on the same track with where we wanted to go, just as we were throwing out ideas. it was great. ideas for the plot and everything just seemed to come through my mind, down my arms and into my fingers and i just typed. it's been forever since that's happened. it felt...relieving. i'm looking forward to writing it.

nothing.

for the third night in a row, i'm having trouble sleeping. i suppose it's because i've got so much on my mind. how rehearsals aren't fun, how i always wish you were here, what i'll be doing the next day, my lack of writing, ideas to start writing again, how i should start my next chapter, that i also need to write that script...and it just branches off from there. i go through so many thoughts before i go to bed and usually i can manage to shut them up after a while, but i can't seem to lately. it's beginning to take a toll on me. i'm always tired, more so than usual.
i've also been very flightly. one minute i want something, and then i don't. one minute i'm inspired to draw something, the next i'm not. i just feel so...out of it, and i don't even know what "it" is, but i'd really like it back. i don't really feel like myself.

rocky horror.

so, last night i went to jordan's birthday party. she and her mother took us to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show at Cinema Cafe. now, for those that don't know, seeing that movie in a theatre is a very unique experience. you see, it's heavily centered around audience participation. there are also people up front, in costume, acting along with the movie. there're phrases you shout in line with the movie, objects to bring & throw at the appropriate time, etc. well, none of the people in our group had ever seen it in a theatre before and we didn't really know what to expect.

i had never heard the word "fuck" so many times in one night, nor had i never seen a man in women's underwear and heels that high in my life. people were shouting sexual comments and curse words throughout the entire event. usually, people that haven't seen the show before get paddled. everyone said and did whatever the hell the pleased. almost everyone was dressed up and just...excited. i loved it. and i seemed to be the only one in our group that did...everyone else was thought the audience was a little too over-the-top and they were irritated that they couldn't hear the movie. i wasn't expecting to hear it ( i was sure anyone seeing it in a theatre would've seen the movie already) and i'm not easily offended when it comes to that stuff. i felt a little awkward being the only one that really enjoyed it...can you be too open-minded?

memory.

while i was making my video to "Mouthwash" (Kate Nash), i got the idea to put a bunch of old pictures in it. while i was looking for those old pictures, i realized how much i've done in the past few years. finding new best friends, first photoshoots, loosing old best friends, photoshoots, photoshoots, photoshoots, decorating a friend's sister's dorm room, visiting the best town in the world, invading a construction site, driving to deovn's house 3456789 times, several different haircuts and colors, going to my first pride fest, walking around all day and taking pictures despite how cold we were, playing at parks, skinny-dipping in our underwear, truth circles, "stop moving, bitch!", dancing in elevators, eating chinese, "let's get them on the floooooor!", flying on shopping carts, dancing down the street, pictures in alleys, neptune fest, climbing trees, anime onventions, warped tour, walking around my old middle school, last day of junior year...it may not seem like much, but those were some of the best days of my life and i wouldn't trade them for the world.

wide open.

as of right now, i'm making it my personal goal to live my life openly. i want to open my mind to new things. i want to open my heart to new people. i want my life to be everything it can be, because i don't know when it will end. i will live with no regrets.

spending the rest of my life in fear of embarassment or making a fool of myself isn't the road i want to follow. it may take a while, but i want to move on from being the shy girl, completely. i have managed to make a lot of progress in these past three years of high school. i have several friends to thank for that. now, i want to go as far as i can.

warped.

it was...interesting. i really didn't end up seeing any bands. i watched a little of family force 5, but i ended up getting out of the crowd once i saw the beginnings of a mosh pit. i watched mayday parade, but from the sidelines. i really could've made that day so much better for myself if i had just gone into a crowd. but...the thought of moshing sounds unpleasant for me. i know i'd get the shit kicked out of me, and not in a good way.

and what happened later that day freaked. me. out. as soon as i heard that devon was in medical, i was gone. i don't think i've ever ran/speed-walked through a crowd that fast. of course, after doing that for a bit, i realized i had no idea where i was even going and turned around. i was somewhat surprised to see ashley right behind me. maybe i wasn't going as fast as i thought? i know she was just as worried, if not more so.

also, the thing that upset me, isn't bothering me anymore. i was being selfish, and i'm sorry for that. i know you'll miss her when she leaves. i will, too.

secrets.

most people know only one side of me. that's the side that loves photography, writing and music. the part that not many people know is that i listen to a lot of Japanese Pop and Rock (or JPop and JRock). it takes up a good majority of my music. this side is also incorporated with my dorky, anime-loving side. i have several friends that don't know much about anime, or don't like it, so i don't talk about it with them. due to this, i have unconsciously separated the two sides. however, sometimes my Japanophile side likes to show up suddenly (possibly because of an idea I had). then, i usually start to ramble.

something else that comes along with all of that is my love of JPop. i find it so much more entertaining than American pop, which mostly consists of nasally, half-decent singers. most people can't seem to grasp why i like it so much simply because "omg, you can't even understand them." translations are available online, guys. how many of you can understand the Latino music you listen to? i know, a greater percentage than can understand the Japanese, but still.

the thing that gets me, though, is the stereotype that goes along with anime/JPop/JRock. i know, i could describe it perfectly. a girl with straggly hair that is somewhat over-weight, make-shift goth/punk, not the best fashion sense, annoyingly hyper...you get the mental image, correct? yeah. not all anime fans look like that. i know i sure as hell don't (not that i'm perfect). also, it is possible to enjoy the cartoons, books and music without completely obsessing. it's not as if we're all creating a dark, inescapable void of anime-loving doom that will steal your soul. i mean, really people. get over it. Japan just so happens to actually put some thought into their cartoons, unlike most American cartoons.

faith?

i have made a promise to myself to remain a virgin until i am married, and i will not break that promise. no drop of alchohol or end of a cigarrette (or that of any other drug, for that matter) will ever touch my lips. i will always treat others as i would myself.

i am not a christian.

just because someone does not follow the teachings of God, does not mean they lead of life of sin. most of us life the same way you do, minus going to church every week. yes, there are some individuals that decide to stray from what polite society calls "good". not all are atheist or agnostic.
aside from all that, the subject that bothers me the most is how homosexuality is veiwed. i don't believe that everyone chooses this. why would we choose to be something that most of society

regects? why would we choose a more difficult path for ourselves? yes, life can be hard sometimes, but why would we intentionally make it so?
believe me, i could talk about this for a while. if you'd like a debate, feel free to comment.

step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch. again.

that's pretty much what learning choreography feels like, and i do not enjoy it. however, i do enjoy that feeling you get once you've done it correctly and ms. erb starts smiling and faking tears. that, my friends, is satisfaction. though, like i previously stated, getting to said satisfaction is a very repetitive process. but we did get "Electricity" down (for the most part) and we added more on to "Elbow Room". also, Leonidoff had auditions for another lead. this certain lead will be getting the solo in "I'm Just a Bill", a.k.a. the most popular song from School House Rock. i want it, quite badly. as you might have gathered by now.

and, warped tour is tomorrow. tomorrow. i could not be more excited. sadly, i'm too tired to really be expressing that outwardly. but trust me, i'm excited. i'm more excited about picking devon up, thoughhh. tonight will be very fun, as will tomorrow. i'll see shelle and ash and ashley and crystal and christie and everyone. ah, and i have nothing else to say.

sudden.

i'm suddenly feeling really inspired. i've just remembered all of those vitaminwater bottles that i have in a box in my closet. i want to use them for an art project, but i don't know what yet. let's collaborate?

also, i have that Death Note scipt to write...sadly, i'm not inspired for something so serious right now. see, i've been listening to Buono! and they got me all...pumped. i think i might focus all of this energy into learning the dance to "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!". just because i'm a dork like that. only, that'd be hard, because i can't jump around a lot this late at night. how sad.
i want a new camera. really, i'm getting to the point where i need it. due to losing the charger for my camera, i've had to start using my old one again. thus, my photography has been put on hold, because i've regressed. of course, this brings me to my next point. i need a job. i've heard it so much from my parents (mostly my father) that's it's actually become a button for me. so has anything having to do with cleaning my car or my room. my mother mentioned cleaning my room as a joke the other day and i just snapped. i'm sick of hearing it.

reasons.

what. the fuck. he's shut my internet off before, and with okay reasons. this time, you wanna guess what it is? apparently, i don't have a reason to be online after midnight. that's it. it's only on friday and saturday night. (what really gets me, though, is that he never tells me when he's decided to turn it off. he just let's me figure it out. ass.) how fucking ridiculous is that? i mean, really. i'm not a little kid. if i need to go to bed early, i will, but only if i need to. he's making me go to bed early to no reason, whatsoever. when i have rehearsal? yeah, i'll go to bed early. but this is fucking summer and if i can stay up fucking late, i fucking want to.

ahhh, whatever. just talked to my mom and she said she'd talk to him. good. because that man doesn't listen to a single dan thing i say. even though, after this year, i'll be in college. i'm not some stupid teenager that's just going to whine to her friends. i talked to him already, when i asked him about it. though, like i said, my words just buzz around his head long enough for him to process a reply that makes sense to him.

i'm not a kid anymore. i'm not an adult, but i'm no kid. i won't let him control me forever; i live how i want. i'm done letting everyone influence my life.

frustration.

so, my parents are fighting in their room. well, they were, and now it's quiet. it's either a calm in the storm, or they've stopped. i'm kind of hoping they've stopped. there's actually this whole big background behind them.

in the middle of this past school year, they annouced that they would be getting a divorce. however, after two days of worry and mixed feelings shared between my younger sister and i, my mother told me that they had changed their minds. i've convinced myself that my mother chickened out; she's the type. she probably started thinking things like "could i support both of them, and myself, alone?". though i hate admitting it, my father does bring in a large percentage of the income for our family. this often goes to his head.

right now, i'm just hoping my mother has a burst of confidence. maybe then things will work out? life was always easier when he went away...

opening.

i have created this blog simply because i like the layouts better than those of livejournal. i do think it's funny, though, that i used to dislike this website. haa. i'm so flighty with these things. which is quite hypocritical, because my sign hates flightiness.

for those that aren't sure, i'm a capricorn and wikipedia has a good idea of what my dislikes are. so, please refer to that, because i don't like thinking about things i dislike. you know? you know.

my hair needs to be dyed, like...3 days ago. black and brown is quickly getting irritating and warped tour is coming up. and this is not intense enough for warped tour. not even close. however, i am lovinggg this new haitcut. it's amazing what a few extra layers can do for your hairrr. actually, i've been quite infatuated with my hair lately. my whole look in general, really. i feel like a change is in order.