same bed.

same room.

same family.

same food.

same house.

same job.

same shit.

i am so sick of living in this goddamn house and this fucking neighborhood. fuck this lack of money and my stupid fucking mother for not letting me out of the goddamn house. i'll be spending my first 2 years of college still dealing with some stupid ass middle-school sister who talks about nothing more than what is currently bothering her or how my parents are unfair to her or some other stupid shit that i don't give a fuck about. AND I'LL HAVE TO LISTEN TO HER GODDAMN MUSIC BLARING IN HER MOTHERFUCKING ROOM FOR ANOTHER 2 GODDAMN YEARS. I'M SO SICK OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. FUCKCYFKNBVNKGNJDFKH.

a look, a touch, a kiss, something to satisfy this urge for contact that has gone so long with no attention, so contention, no mention of how desperate i am for a look, a touch, a kiss, something to quiet this scream my skin cells are screaming in my ears.

dear anonymous,

It's 4:30 AM on a Sunday and I'm looking out the window into the rain waiting to see your feet disrupt the puddles on the sidewalk, instead of a stranger's. You are wearing the boots I gave you in that dream you had. I don't know what they look like. You told me I'd know them when I saw them, but I worry that I won't and that you'll be lost forever due to my self-doubt and second-guessing. Twice now I have answered the door, thinking it was you. I suppose my patience is wearing thin.

please, hurry home.

this shit that the television rattles off messes up this flow i got hold of, let go of that thought and follow me down the road to nothing that everyone follows, nobody follows the right road always the wrong road never the right road and i don't get why they can't read the signs because they're right over their heads, but they never look up and that could be why everyone sees things so one-dimentional, because they are missing that important layer that leads to the greatest heights they can reach, but they never do and they never will and i stand here looking up and waiting for someone to look up and see me looking up and join me looking up to hope.

the flow i need ain't the flow i got
and i the love i need ain't the love i got
and nothin's gonna change cause we're all the same
and nothin's gonna change cause we're not game
for the challenge and the fight
to get to the light
so we remain blind and meek and unkind
so we remain weak and struggle to find
our way thorugh this maze
our way through this haze-ee
mess of a world.

/////

a beat, a rhythm, a pulse, a push
everything is moving with the tempo of the mind
everything is moving with the tempo of the heart
uncoordinated and out-of-step with the other

started a spoken word - lost the flow.

sometimes things happen that really surprise me. i'm not really sure what to make of it. i'm not sure how to react to it, either. perhaps it's stupid of me to expect a certain outcome, maybe i'm anticipating. maybe my ego's gotten a bit of a boost without my knowing it. oh well. i'll just close my eyes and go where i'm lead.