analysis.

"inside out and twisted. and ripped.
and re-sewn in odd directions.
and it's too complicated to figure out,
so i take the easy way and
poke my head out of a hole.
but i'm still tangled."

that's exactly where i am right now.
ripped and battered and torn and bruised.
everything is healing slowly and i want speed.
but i can't have speed.
trying to get speed will only slow down the process.
but i'm stubborn, andi try anyway.
this only causes retrogression.
i'm contradicting myself.
i'm always contradicting myself nowadays.
yes, no, maybe, if i can, am i able?
what am i even cabable of now?
i feel like i've lost any self i had gained.
yet, i feel like i gained more.
everything is off-balance and i'm too weak to fix it.
i need new advice.
from someone who doesn't know everything.
i need new people.
new everything.

jhgk

i gave you a chance when nobody else would, or should have. hell, you warned me against it. but what do i do? i pushed. i came out to friends. we got together. i was open in public, despite the fact that i had only been out for a few days. it was good. then it felt like we were limited. i came out to my parents, so that we didn't have to hide anymore. i fucking loved you. and what did it get me? 4 days of tears and anger and sadness and the worst feeling i have ever felt in my entire life. people told me "no, shelby, relationships are soooo much drama. it's not that great." WHY DON'T I EVER FUCKING LISTEN TO SHIT LIKE THAT? i'd be in a much better place right now.

but then the other side of me questions; would i? i'd have missed out on, quite honestly, the best 4 months of my life. i can't say i don't still love you, because i do. so much. that's the only reason that this hurts so god damn much. that's the only reason that i'm so broken over this.

threeDays.

I'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit--like a perfect gentlemen. I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick, where you will sit and contemplate your day. I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning, in an open tab when your judgment's on the brink. I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep...I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...You won't have to strain to look into my eyes. I'll be your winter coat, buttoned and zipped straight to the throat, with the collar up so you won't catch a cold. I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth. We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony, where everything will change. We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased). The sun will heat the grounds, under our bare feet, in this brand new colony everything will change.


Damn baby.
You frustrate me.
I know you're mine, all mine, all mine,
but you look so good it hurts sometimes.



"Brand New Colony" The Postal Service.
"Your body is a Wonderland" John Mayer.

blab.

i highly dislike freaking out over small things, and making them seem like big deals. i highly dislike exaggerating situations. i highly dislike leaving out things to make it the other's fault. i highly dislike confrontation. i highly dislike feeling inferior. i highly dislike people controlling me. i highly dislike people forcing their opinions on me. i highly dislike someone telling me my opinion is wrong. i highly dislike mccain. i highly dislike people who complain about their situation and then do nothing to fix it. i highly dislike immaturity. i highly dislike coming home to wet carpet. i highly dislike people who drive really slow. i highly dislike dr. pepper. i highly dislike that i'm not painting right now. i highly dislike this cut on my thumb. i highly dislike insects. i highly dislike sight singing. i highly dislike that one of you thought that one/some of those applied to you, and probably got mad at me.

this is as pessistic as i get, in case you were wondering.

classic.

while browsing YouTube, i came across something brilliant; a news report about six-year-old Emily Bear. her amazing talent on the piano, as well as composing, has people saying she might be the next Mozart. watching her play reminded me that i had forgotton how beautiful classical music is...and how much story is within it and how much emotion it conveys. it's truely amazing.

[ lost my train of thought. ]

a thought.

i don't think swearing is a bad thing, depending on how or when it is done. laughing amoung friends? that's alright. shouting them at someone? that's wrong and, yes, that is immature. however, i don't veiw swearing as completely immature. this may be because i, myself, curse. i do try and tone it down around people that i know it bothers, but i don't see much wrong with it myself. words like "damn" mean the same as "crap", do they not? in that context, shouldn't it be alright to say? "hell", when speaking religiously, is acceptable. why can't that rule apply to all?

realization.

we are our own undoing.