Monday, October 27, 2008
annoucement.
fuck it. i'm making my own process, and that involves talking to her, because i don't abandon people. i don't care what they've done. i don't care how immature it is. i don't care if it's "not the best choice". it's my choice, so drop it.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
analysis.
"inside out and twisted. and ripped.
and re-sewn in odd directions.
and it's too complicated to figure out,
so i take the easy way and
poke my head out of a hole.
but i'm still tangled."
that's exactly where i am right now.
ripped and battered and torn and bruised.
everything is healing slowly and i want speed.
but i can't have speed.
trying to get speed will only slow down the process.
but i'm stubborn, andi try anyway.
this only causes retrogression.
i'm contradicting myself.
i'm always contradicting myself nowadays.
yes, no, maybe, if i can, am i able?
what am i even cabable of now?
i feel like i've lost any self i had gained.
yet, i feel like i gained more.
everything is off-balance and i'm too weak to fix it.
i need new advice.
from someone who doesn't know everything.
i need new people.
new everything.
and re-sewn in odd directions.
and it's too complicated to figure out,
so i take the easy way and
poke my head out of a hole.
but i'm still tangled."
that's exactly where i am right now.
ripped and battered and torn and bruised.
everything is healing slowly and i want speed.
but i can't have speed.
trying to get speed will only slow down the process.
but i'm stubborn, andi try anyway.
this only causes retrogression.
i'm contradicting myself.
i'm always contradicting myself nowadays.
yes, no, maybe, if i can, am i able?
what am i even cabable of now?
i feel like i've lost any self i had gained.
yet, i feel like i gained more.
everything is off-balance and i'm too weak to fix it.
i need new advice.
from someone who doesn't know everything.
i need new people.
new everything.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
jhgk
i gave you a chance when nobody else would, or should have. hell, you warned me against it. but what do i do? i pushed. i came out to friends. we got together. i was open in public, despite the fact that i had only been out for a few days. it was good. then it felt like we were limited. i came out to my parents, so that we didn't have to hide anymore. i fucking loved you. and what did it get me? 4 days of tears and anger and sadness and the worst feeling i have ever felt in my entire life. people told me "no, shelby, relationships are soooo much drama. it's not that great." WHY DON'T I EVER FUCKING LISTEN TO SHIT LIKE THAT? i'd be in a much better place right now.
but then the other side of me questions; would i? i'd have missed out on, quite honestly, the best 4 months of my life. i can't say i don't still love you, because i do. so much. that's the only reason that this hurts so god damn much. that's the only reason that i'm so broken over this.
but then the other side of me questions; would i? i'd have missed out on, quite honestly, the best 4 months of my life. i can't say i don't still love you, because i do. so much. that's the only reason that this hurts so god damn much. that's the only reason that i'm so broken over this.
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