strange.

i was talking to chrissy about sitting outside and watching the rain, or a thunderstorm. she said she would go outside and listen to opera, and drink tea. i said i would go outside with my writing journal and just write. anything, everything that came to mind. she said she wished she could write, and that she envied my "skillz". i told her that it takes practice, and that i still have quite a ways to go. then, a question came to me.

"is it even possible to really go as far as you can in the short amount of time we have in life?"

i wonder, can we? can we ever reach our full potential? how do we know if we've reached it? will we have a feeling or satisfaction in the fact that we've achieved it? or will we be left with a feeling of emptiness, now that our goal in life is complete? bask in the glory or lose meaning in life?

is it possible to ever answer these questions?

interesting.

apparently, my sister started not talking to my parents for no reason. my mom was pissed off about it and wanted me to see if i could get anything out of her. so, i wrote her a note and put it on her desk while she was in the bathroom. it was almost a half hour be fore she replied. apparently, she's upset that her friend moved away and she didn't see her before she left. i wrote my reply and now she seems fine.

it's funny that my parents came to me. i told my dad that this was just the transition period into teenager-dom and he said "i guess...but i don't remember ever getting this much attitude from you", to which i replied "well, i'm not the kind of person to give attitude. i mean, i know i do - not gonna lie - but if i do, it's provoked by something." so, even though i'm already past that age, this is their first time dealing with this fase. i find it quite strange. my sister and i are so unbelievably different.

lovely.

i forgot how satisfying it is to start plotting and planning with a new person about a new world. last night, i posted a journal entry on DeviantART about starting a collab with someone else and one of my favorite writers replied to it. it didn't take long for us to start chatting on MSN about the characters and the plotline. we now have Monty (her boy) and Brett Vogel (my boy). each are completely opposite, and i love when that happens. we both seemed to be on the same track with where we wanted to go, just as we were throwing out ideas. it was great. ideas for the plot and everything just seemed to come through my mind, down my arms and into my fingers and i just typed. it's been forever since that's happened. it felt...relieving. i'm looking forward to writing it.

nothing.

for the third night in a row, i'm having trouble sleeping. i suppose it's because i've got so much on my mind. how rehearsals aren't fun, how i always wish you were here, what i'll be doing the next day, my lack of writing, ideas to start writing again, how i should start my next chapter, that i also need to write that script...and it just branches off from there. i go through so many thoughts before i go to bed and usually i can manage to shut them up after a while, but i can't seem to lately. it's beginning to take a toll on me. i'm always tired, more so than usual.
i've also been very flightly. one minute i want something, and then i don't. one minute i'm inspired to draw something, the next i'm not. i just feel so...out of it, and i don't even know what "it" is, but i'd really like it back. i don't really feel like myself.

rocky horror.

so, last night i went to jordan's birthday party. she and her mother took us to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show at Cinema Cafe. now, for those that don't know, seeing that movie in a theatre is a very unique experience. you see, it's heavily centered around audience participation. there are also people up front, in costume, acting along with the movie. there're phrases you shout in line with the movie, objects to bring & throw at the appropriate time, etc. well, none of the people in our group had ever seen it in a theatre before and we didn't really know what to expect.

i had never heard the word "fuck" so many times in one night, nor had i never seen a man in women's underwear and heels that high in my life. people were shouting sexual comments and curse words throughout the entire event. usually, people that haven't seen the show before get paddled. everyone said and did whatever the hell the pleased. almost everyone was dressed up and just...excited. i loved it. and i seemed to be the only one in our group that did...everyone else was thought the audience was a little too over-the-top and they were irritated that they couldn't hear the movie. i wasn't expecting to hear it ( i was sure anyone seeing it in a theatre would've seen the movie already) and i'm not easily offended when it comes to that stuff. i felt a little awkward being the only one that really enjoyed it...can you be too open-minded?

memory.

while i was making my video to "Mouthwash" (Kate Nash), i got the idea to put a bunch of old pictures in it. while i was looking for those old pictures, i realized how much i've done in the past few years. finding new best friends, first photoshoots, loosing old best friends, photoshoots, photoshoots, photoshoots, decorating a friend's sister's dorm room, visiting the best town in the world, invading a construction site, driving to deovn's house 3456789 times, several different haircuts and colors, going to my first pride fest, walking around all day and taking pictures despite how cold we were, playing at parks, skinny-dipping in our underwear, truth circles, "stop moving, bitch!", dancing in elevators, eating chinese, "let's get them on the floooooor!", flying on shopping carts, dancing down the street, pictures in alleys, neptune fest, climbing trees, anime onventions, warped tour, walking around my old middle school, last day of junior year...it may not seem like much, but those were some of the best days of my life and i wouldn't trade them for the world.

wide open.

as of right now, i'm making it my personal goal to live my life openly. i want to open my mind to new things. i want to open my heart to new people. i want my life to be everything it can be, because i don't know when it will end. i will live with no regrets.

spending the rest of my life in fear of embarassment or making a fool of myself isn't the road i want to follow. it may take a while, but i want to move on from being the shy girl, completely. i have managed to make a lot of progress in these past three years of high school. i have several friends to thank for that. now, i want to go as far as i can.