new year.

this is the first time that i've wanted to spend new years alone. then again, i don't at the same time. is this really a good way to start the year off? sitting in my bedroom, in front of my computer, alone? and wanting to?

sometimes i think i'm improving, then something like this happens and i don't know what's going on.

i need a direction. i need motivation. i need someone.

plans?

i've been told that i have to close up this situation by the time rehearsals start.
how am i going to do it? i don't know. but we have to talk - in person.

no running, no hiding, no anger.
just words.

thoughts :

depression was never something i had given much thought to. i was always so effortlessly happy and annoyingly optimistic. i almost always had a smile on my face. i could never remember the last time i'd cried and my anger was short-lived. if i was anything less than extremely happy, people thought something was wrong. now...i can't remember the last time i felt like that. now, i might actually be depressed. this is ridiculous.

LJ isn't working.

i'm sick of this whole stupid situation. the urges, the jealousy and now that little freshman might like me. this makes everything even more complicated, and i am sick of the complications. i wish i could just find someone to take my mind off of all of this. maybe that's what i need to be able to get over this; a distraction. then again, that wouldn't be fair to who ever was the distraction. i'm not one to use people like that. though, this whole thing has made me think about doing things i normally wouldn't do. i haven't done anything, but so much of me wants to. is this a good change?

i have so many pent up feelings...i don't know how much longer i can hold them in. i've only been holding them in to spare the feelings of someone else, but...maybe it's my turn to take my own advice. help your friends, but make sure you don't forget to help yourself. i've sort of forgotten to help myself lately. i've tried so hard not to hurt your feelings by really saying how i've felt. almost everything i've posted or said was censored, to a degree. i knew you felt bad, and i didn't want to make it worse. i've always kept you in mind, but...i let my own feelings sit and fester and grow into this welt in my chest. most of the time, they stay there. i'm aware of them, but i can deal. around you, i almost forget about them entirely. then sometimes i start thinking too much and they resurface and that welt throbs and i don't know what to do. i want you, but i don't. i want to talk or scream or hit something, yet i don't. i don't want anyone to know how completely torn up i can get over this, because it makes me feel even weaker. i don't like feeling weak, incase you couldn't tell. it makes me feel like i can't do this; like i won't get past this. nothing anyone says makes me feel any different.

all that aside, i need to vent, and i mean vent. so, i'll be direct here: christie, you may not want to read any farther. though, i know you get curious and you probably will end up reading it anyway at some point. so, let me tell you one thing before you do: i'm not saying this to make you feel bad or guilty or anything. i just don't think i can really be friends with you unless i can get all of this out of my system - unless i can get you out of my system.

"who would've thought that one person, and two little words could shatter
the platform that i based my entire self on? two seconds, and those two little
words launched my life into the air - PULL! - and shattered it to pieces -
BOOM!
i'm lower than i've ever been - sitting at the bottom of a retractable
ladder i've considered getting off. i've considered simply standing up and
letting my last shred of hope fly up and away from me. you see, this hasn't just
turned me inside-out. i am twisted and cut and resewn into a thoughtless
pattern. i find a holeand look out of it. pulling myself through this hole will
not untangle the mess i am. it is only a relief. short, unescessary relief. but
i improve. the stress dies, for a while. i am myself again, for a while. i pull
through in false hope, only to tighten what i'd loosened. i fall. i fall hard and no one's there to catch me. i'm not even sure wheter i want to
be caught. it should bother me, but feelings have escaped me. it should worry
me, but i haven't the motivation to care."

that's pretty much how i felt about 2 months ago. some of it still applies now, but it's dulled somewhat. however, it still lingers. i'm still tangled and unsure and lonely and hurt and jealous. that seems to be the over-arching feeling lately; jealousy. everytime you tell me about another damn girl you like, it flares up and try so hard not to show it, but...GOD it gets harder every single time. i really want to know how i am just suddenly unattractive. what is it about all these other girls that's better than me? i feel so ugly in your eyes. i wish i could stop being attracted to you. it's really not even the left-over feelinsg i have for you that's bothering me lately. it's the physical feelings. do you not notice that i always turn away when you lift up your shirt for whatever reason? to you not see the cringe when you touch my face? (your hands aren't that cold) do you really not get why i didn't want you touching my chest - why i said "you lost that priviledge"? you probably thought that i had never been that attracted to you physically because i didn't show it often, but it's still new to me. i'm not used to saying i'm attracted to girls, but that doesn't mean that i'm not. i really thought you, being the slightly more experienced person, would get the hint. maybe you did, but thought you were wrong. it doesn't matter. but whenever i see you messing with people like brooke or whoever the fuck else you flirt with and they touch you, i get so angry. angry and irritated and jealous. oh, there's that word again. i'm jealous that you like other girls, i'm jealous that other girls can touch you and it's not awkward for them and i'm jealous that you can stand right next to me in the dressing room while i'm changing and seem completely uneffected. it feels so unfair and it annoys the living hell out of me.
something else that really pisses me off? when people doubt my feelings. they've seen me on the bad days and yet they can sit there, look me in the eye and doubt me. i had enough trouble convincing you at the beginning and now i have to convince other people, too? I HATE IT SO MUCH. i know, i really don't have to convince them. it's none of their business. but there's something in me tells me to defend myself. so i do. and i remember everything. it all comes back and i feel empty and i cry. then they feel bad and then i comfort them. i comfort them. how can i be so selfless all the time? how have i made it this far?

i want to scream this at the top of my lungs and let every single word fly away. i can't stand this weight anymore.

thoughts.

i'm not one for confrontation. i never have been, really, but this is really starting to urk me. i hate not knowing whether someone likes me or dislikes me. especially when i get a negative vibe from them. at least, i got a negative vibe. i don't feel that so much anymore, which makes me wonder if there ever was one. maybe i'm just paranoid; i'm overthinking. it's awkwardness that's probably just coming from me, based on the circumstances.
i wish i could ask you over the internet. i'd rather ask in person, but i've never said more than a few words to you and that was just once. that'd be really awkward because, again, i might just be a complete psychopath. i'm really sure. maybe i should just write you a note? yes, i think i'll do that.